mauvemarionette

First love, literature; Second: the moon.
Nit-picky, deliciously cunning, sarcastic, painfully sweet.

You were on your way home when you died.

It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.

And that’s when you met me.

“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”

“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.

“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”

“Yup,” I said.

“I… I died?”

“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”

“More or less,” I said.

“Are you god?” You asked.

“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”

“My kids… my wife,” you said.

“What about them?”

“Will they be all right?”

“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”

You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”

“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”

“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”

“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”

“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”

You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”

“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”

“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”

“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.

“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”

“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”

“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”

“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”

“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”

“Where you come from?” You said.

“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”

“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”

“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”

“So what’s the point of it all?”

“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”

“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.

I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”

“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”

“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”

“Just me? What about everyone else?”

“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”

You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”

“All you. Different incarnations of you.”

“Wait. I’m everyone!?”

“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

“I’m every human being who ever lived?”

“Or who will ever live, yes.”

“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”

“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.

“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.

“And you’re the millions he killed.”

“I’m Jesus?”

“And you’re everyone who followed him.”

You fell silent.

“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”

You thought for a long time.

“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”

“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”

“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”

“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”

“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”

“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”

And I sent you on your way.

Source: http://www.galactanet.com/oneoff/theegg_mod.html

I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut the little nerve.
Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily?
The young woman speaks. “Will my mouth always be like this?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say, “it will. It is because the nerve was cut.” She nods and is silent.
But the young man smiles. “I like it,” he says. “It is kind of cute.”
All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.
I remember that the gods appeared in ancient Greece as mortals, and I hold my breath and let the wonder in.
Mortal Lessons: Notes on the Art of Surgery, by Richard Selzer

Source: http://qr.ae/pse6G

  • Period: You want cookies
  • Period: You want to fuck
  • Period: You want to fuck while eating cookies.
  • Period: Let's be sad about trivial things, shall we?
  • Period: Kill them.
  • Period: Kill them too.
  • Period: Kill them and eat their cookies.
  • Period: Shhhh it's okay you'll feel better soon.
  • Period: HAHAHAHAHA NO YOU WON'T FUCK YOU.

I am such a pain

The day will come when I cease to care and that shall be when you have lost your significance.

And I stop thinking.

And I stop thinking.

A new heart

image

Someone sent me this exact quote last night, and it hit me in way I am not sure how to decipher.

I have come to realize that I am constantly unhappy when people make me wait, and although I am more often pleasant with my friends and my family when they are tardy, its not the case with whom I currently hope to share a lifetime with.

I don’t like waiting around and to be left alone; and for the longest time I could not grab a hold of myself as to why I am greatly affected by it. It has, unfortunately, happened again and again throughout the course of all my relationships.

Maybe because they aren’t as solid as my parents and my Nyain; but they are also not as easily forgo as most of other people. Like a new working heart to a broken one that is on their way- I need it, but I don’t have it yet.

Maybe its fear of being forgotten, being unimportant, being taken for granted, being replaced, being left behind.

I have always known that I live with a deep fear of attachment inside me. I fear of putting all I have and being blinded by all the promises just to be broken in the end. I understand that hurt is unavoidable between two people, but I want to be invested as much, if not more, as how I would do the other person.

Without even planning it, I have always cruise through life without being too involved in anyone, or anything. That ‘this too shall end’.

And although I have time and time again scolded myself that not everyone are wolves in sheep clothing, that everyone make mistakes, that a lot of people do deserve a second chance and that its never fair to paint one with another’s colour…

I could not resist the need to flee and go back into my cocoon; to where I am independent and decisive and weave my world with only my interest in mind. 

Breathe.

I guess what is most tiring, is to convince others that these are real to me, that these emotions affect me the way the next person bleed from a paper cut.

Malaysia and Malaysians

As a young Malaysian, full of hope for a better future, I share the disappointment and distress with the latest turn of event tonight. Its heartbreaking to see my friends, colleagues and neighboring Malaysians who wants nothing but a fair and clean election to lose their trust in this land where, as our national anthem goes: 

‘Tanah tumpahnya darahku’.

But try as I might, I could not help but fall in love with Malaysian all over again since the past 48 hours. From the start of my journey from KL, I have come across meaningful events that only strengthen my faith in the rakyat of Malaysia.

  • My colleagues and I are on our Final semester of our University year, and we have a drama that will determine our marks to play out in less than a week; and yet most of us, that are able, go home immediately after practice to cast our virgin votes to GE13.
  • My current significant other, who is of different faith, race, hometown and opinion, makes time and send me to the airport so I can catch my flight home to cast MY virgin vote.
  • On my flight back home, I have never seen more Sabahans at one place, lining up to go home and vote, even my twitter feed full of Sabahans abroad announcing that they are flying home to vote for the weekend.
  • The fact that 80% of Malaysians turn up and took an ACTIVE participation in the General Election.
  • The fact that youth took an ACTIVE interest in what is going on with our nation.
  • The fact that even youth under 21 wants to be part of the change for a better Malaysia.
  • The fact that people CARE that we do not want phantom voters to determine what kind of Malaysia we should have.
  • The fact that even after 5pm, a lot of people out there stood by and fight for their rights.

Dear rakyat of Malaysia,

I am proud of you because all of you today choose to take an active participation to what is going on with our country. Regardless of whether you choose a party or the other. (Although I do hope you have chosen because of the candidate’s capability and not because you do not want the other party to win syndrome)

But I also hope we will persevere rather than give up because nothing that is easy is worth it.

I do not believe that happily ever after appears after a battle. As they say, an ending is just another beginning to something else.

By the end of the day, it is really how you choose to see something; and what you choose to do about it.